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Customer Service Rep Just Went There
NEWARK, NJ - On Friday, just before lunch, it was confirmed that Darius
Johnson, a customer service representative at a call center located in downtown Newark, just went there.
"I couldn't believe it," said Human Resources representative, Heather Rossum. "It was like,
we were just joking around, saying how happy we were it was finally Friday, and all of the sudden Darius just went there.
Like, things just got real, real fast."
Allegedly what transpired was the following: Julius Leighton, the second floor IT associate,
was scheduled to make an upgrade to the networks at 5pm on Thursday. According to sources, that upgrade took place at around
5:17pm, long after everyone had gone home for the day. But Darius Johnson, who reports at 7:30am Monday through Friday, had
sent an email to Julius on Friday morning letting him know that his network connection was still faulty. After waiting "hours",
he had not heard back from Leighton.
"And so I guess, we were just saying how things have gotten so much worse lately," said
Michele Brighton, a fellow customer service representative, who recently welcomed her second newborn baby into the world.
"I just came back to work on Monday. And I always had a good rapport with Darius, so I thought he was just venting at first.
I didn't realize that, really, he just went there."
David Howard, the operations manager, was called in at approximately 2:15pm, to investigate
the situation. "We had heard about some network issues that day," he said. But company records reported no other work stations
were affected, apart from Johnson's. "So we recognized there needed to be immediate action. And we felt that we were doing
everything necessary. Why Darius felt he had to go there, well--we really don't have an answer for that now."
Darius was unavailable for comment. But according to Gerard Silikus, an IT senior advisor,
"The things he said were just unnecessary. I think it was unprofessional."
According to an anonymous source, that reportedly works in a cubicle adjacent to Johnson's,
he had gone there before. And not very long ago.
"He sometimes doesn't know his own responsibilites. Like, if you're going to go there, you'd
better understand where exactly you are going and why," said the source. "We all want to go there sometimes. We even do, when
we feel it's appropriate. But if we're going to go there, we understand that it's just about keeping it real. And Darius lost
that perspective on that day. And it's happened before."
Human Resources was immediately brought in to diffuse the situation. But according to Team
Leader Ben Gittinger, it "didn't matter." "We were past being sympathetic. You say to yourself, 'Oh, no, he did not.' And
then you realize, he just did. And then you're left with the consequences. Well, he needs to understand that he's accountable
for that."
"It changed everything about Friday," said co-worker Lance Branister, working in sales.
"I mean, one minute you're thinking, 'TGIF'. Then the next you're thinking, 'FML.' Because he just went there."
The rest of the office was unavailable for comment. A spokesman for Johnson stated: "We
understand that this has affected the entire company. It goes beyond just this office. We're working together to make the
situation right. [Darius] apologizes for his actions and will work with the appropriate parties to make sure something like
this is not repeated. These are economic times when a position is highly regarded by every associate. And every individual
should understand their position in a given company and realize that when you have to go there, you must consider what the
cost is. Actions will be taken to make sure this is not repeated."
No further developments have happened since the incident. It was reported that a few co-workers
got together at a local Chili's establishment to have "a few" after work to celebrate the upcoming weekend. When asked if
they heard about Johnson's actions, they simply responded, "If he's going to Chili's, we won't go there."
Local Bro Dies Due To Dairy Queen Bet
SHAUMBURG, IL - The quiet, peaceful surburb of Schaumburg, Illinois was shattered
when the body of Derrick Baylor was discovered in his bedroom (pictured, center). Allegedly "chillaxin" after accepting a
dare bet involving the fast food ice cream chain Dairy Queen, Derrick Baylor, 22, was laying next to his bed, covered in chocolate
syrup and ice cream, with empty containers of Blizzards and other Dairy Queen items strewn about the room. At first thought
to be a suicide, Derrick's "bros" confirmed that he was just acting on a bet that was laid out during Sunday night's finale
of "Entourage".
"We were all like sad that our favorite show on the planet was ending, brah," said Tyson
Murphy, a friend and fellow member of the Sig Chi Alpha fraternity. "So we had this massive party and shit," he said. "We
musta done like 5 kegstands each, in record time."
Another friend of Baylor's, Bryce Princeton III, also confirmed the story. "We were gonna
watch the Cubs game but I think one of us passed out sometime. Then T got this idea to do a truth or dare but not like that
gay shit that chicks do...so we were like, Truth or Dairy Queen. We were fuckin' laughin for hours, for reals, bro," said
Bryce. "Like a champ, Derrick stands up and pops his collar and he's all, I'll own that shit, bromides. So we're all, Truth...and
he's scared, we could tell, because he knew we were gonna make him tell us about Melissa Gilbert. We knew he fucked her, even
though he was drunk. She's totes ugly as hell. See he was all tryin' to bang Ashley Mason? But she's got a boyfriend and shit.
Todd McKenzie. So Derrick's all scared and he goes, Dairy Queen."
"We roll out to DQ, first hittin up the Bell for some of those flatbread sandwiches," said
Murphy, pausing for a moment to adjust his Livestrong bracelet, "and then we're all...order like $50 of DQ shit and you gotta
eat all of it in 10 minutes, broseph."
According to his friends, Derrick went ahead with the purchase, buying what amounted to
over six quarts of ice cream. "Bro had blizzards, like 3 Dilly Bars, 4 dipped cones, and 2 Buster bars and shit," reported
Murphy. Bryce Princeton III backed up the claim. "Totes," he confirmed.
At approximately 12:15am, the boys headed back to Tyson's house to drink more, but Derrick
complained of stomach pains. "He was holdin' himself and cryin' like a little bitch," said Bryce, who was driving. "I told
him to man up and have a Miller Lite and shut up."
His complaints persisted, so the two dropped him off at his house "like the little whiney
bitch he is" and then drove back to Bryce's house where the two drank until they were no longer conscious. They claimed his
last words before going into his house were, "Fuck, bros. This sucks."
The next day, Derrick's father, Garrett, discovered him. "I was coming back from golfing,"
he said. "I got sunburned so I went into Derrick's room to get some aloe, and see if he had any Ax Spray left. I use it sometimes,"
he confessed. "I saw him laying on the floor, and I was going to haze him a little because he was out so late again. But he
was unresponsive."
He called 911, but efforts to revive him proved ineffective. Derrick was pronounced dead
at the scene, and his time of death was some time around 1am. The cause has yet to be determined, but after all of the ice
cream, Taco Bell, and beer he had consumed, doctors are fairly certain it was overconsumption of any of those products. Friends
and neighbors said Derrick was a "great kid" and "always stood up for the little guy."
"I always saw him with his arms around that little fat kid, Francis, down the street," recalled
his father. "He had him pretty tight, too, so the two must have been good friends. Sometimes Francis would fall down because
Derrick was holding him too tight. I'd always laugh, but Francis would get up quick enough."
"We just don't know what to say, bro," said Tyson, opening a metal can of Miller Light.
"Guess we'll have to drink with someone else, you know?"
A memorial service is scheduled for Wednesday, with a keg party scheduled for Saturday evening,
following the funeral. "He would've wanted it that way," said his father. Ashley Mason wasn't reached for comment, but is
rumored to have been "totally shocked" that Derrick died and "maybe could" attend the funeral service if her boyfriend says
it's OK.
Like OMG He Totally Said YES!!!!! :) :) :)
NEW HAVEN, CT – Reddenburgh High School was rocked
by shocking news when Brandi Colgan reached Kayla Masney on her cell phone at around 3:48pm EST to let her know that Dylan
Miller said “Yes” when she had asked him to accompany her to an upcoming pizza party at Tenelli's Pizza in downtown
New Haven. The event is to take place this Friday at 7:00pm, after cheerleading practice.
“We like, could not believe it,” said Kayla,
both of her hands shaking in front of her chest. “Like, this is DYLAN MILLER! THE? Most popular boy at the Red. It's
like unbelievable,” she said through tears.
Carli Mendoza and Rachel Harwin also were reported
to have been “totally shocked” but “sooo happy” for Brandi because this one time after third period,
Dylan totally looked at her when he was by a drinking fountain with Ricky Vastic and Braiden Schmidt, who were on the football
team. And when he smiled at her, she blushed and couldn't talk for like a million years.
“It's so awesome,” said an acquaintance,
Tyler Madison. “I mean, she's been like talking about him FOREVER. Now it's so on. Like, this pizza place is totally
crunk. I think they have really good lemonade and stuff?”
Brandi has not been reached for comment; but she has
been seen recently “totally hyperventilating” and “going so crazy” she might “totally explode”.
Entire Saints Defense Reveals They Had Grade II MCL Tears In
Seahawks Playoff Game
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA -- The New Orleans Saints have released a report indicating
that the entire defensive unit that played in a 41-36 loss against the Seattle Seahawks in the Wildcard Round at
Qwest Field on Saturday, January 8th, had been playing with a Grade II MCL tear.
"We knew something was wrong," said Defensive Captain and Defensive End Will Smith. "But
unlike some people, we played through it."
Jay Cutler had been pulled from the NFC Championship Game against the Green Bay Packers
for the same injury. But according to Defensive Back Jabari Greer, the Saints D wasn't going down that way.
"Some people just don't know how to play through the pain," said Greer. "Yeah, we're disappointed.
But now we know what really was going on. We were all playing on something that normally you can't play on or even walk around
without crutches."
Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams admitted he didn't want to give excuses, but said this
was just "too obvious to ignore." "We're not saying we played well," he said. "But when you look at that 67 yard touchdown
run by Marshawn Lynch, and you know the truth, you can feel the pain as those guys were bouncing off of him. They were trying
to tackle him, strip the ball, whatever. But when you're in that kind of agony, what can you really expect?"
Head Coach Sean Payton regrets not pulling some of them. "We didn't know the severity. Obviously
if we knew how bad it really was, maybe we would have done something different."
The Saints had a 17-7 lead early on in the game, but the Seahawks rallied and took a 34-20
lead heading into the 4th quarter. At that time, says defensive back Tracy Porter, something was not right.
"It didn't make sense...how did we let this happen? But then you feel that pain and say,
'Oh yeah. That's why,'", he said. "Look, we're world champions. And you look at your guys and say, hey, we can play through
this. We're not going down like that. But how can the best defense in the league be giving up 20, 30 points to the worst playoff
team ever? Well. I think you know the answer to that. Now."
Linebacker Jonathan Vilma points to the injury as the direct reason why they gave up so
many big plays. "Your knees are good, you give up maybe 5 yards, not 50. People don't even realize that. They thought we played
badly? No. We played outstandingly, but with that tear, big plays are inevitable. If anything, we're warriors."
"These guys play with intensity," said running back Reggie Bush, who had been sidelined
much of the year with his own injuries. "You take away that MCL tear, I'd say you take away at least 10 of those points from
Seattle. Give themm credit, but at the end of the day, you look at the score and it's 36-31 and we win. Now you're talking
something very different, because we won the game instead of lost."
Last year's Super Bowl MVP and current Saints QB Drew Brees concurred. "That's what it means
to be battle tested."
Real Life Harry Potter Does Not Enjoy Fictional Character's Popularity
KEENE, NEW HAMPSHIRE--For Harold Upton Potter, a seventeen year old junior at Keene High School, mistaken identity is a normal
thing; but unfortunately for him, there's no magic spell that can prevent it from happening again and again. Harold, aka "Harry
Potter", has been subjected to the same types of ridicule and inflammatory remarks as the J.K. Rowling hero, but has
had none of the upside. He can't perform magic, and he isn't special. He also is unathletic and the ladies do not find him
attractive.
"Basically, I wish my name wasn't Harry Potter," he confessed, asking repeatedly to be called Harold or Upton.
"I prefer Upton, because I was named that after the great author of 'The Jungle', Upton Sinclair by my dad. I always
looked up to my dad, and it was he that gave me the middle name, and Mom gave me this cursed name to which I have to live
with."
~
Life was never easy for Potter, even before the books had come out. "When the first book came out, I was at a Waldenbooks
and I said: 'Wow, look at that! My name!' Even though I wasn't really called Harry by anyone, it was kind of cool when that
happens. But once it became this huge hit, everything changed. I'm also pretty much Harry, the character's, age. That doesn't
help." Harry had dressed up as Harry Potter before the first movie came out, and according to Potter, things seemed okay.
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| The handsome Daniel Radcliffe |
"I used to really like the books," he confessed. "But the last one that came out, the Blood Prince or whatever,
I had no interest. I just want to separate myself from Harry Potter the character as much as I can."
He wants to change his name legally, but at the advice of some of his close friends, he hasn't done it because they claim
he still has a "famous name" and it's bad luck to change it. "Seriously I'm this close to not caring,"
he said.
Subjected to teasing, especially his first time dressing up as Harry Potter the character, Harold at first tried getting
into magic.
"I read some books on Wiccan magic," he said. "I read some Anton LeVay, but nothing worked."
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| Harold, dressing up for the first time. |
Harold does wish there was such a thing as Hogwarts. "I think if there were really a Hogwarts, I'd fit in the way that
Harry does in the books. But I don't get to get away from people like the Dursley's. They're all around me." Harold talked
about being good at sports, like Harry is at Quidditch.
"Nope, tried everything. Baseball, basketball, golf, tennis, football, even hockey, nothing worked. I wasn't good
at any of those things," he said.
He claimed a fondness for role-playing games, fantasy and science-fiction, and collecting swords. "I have a pretty
amazing collection; but it's not really doing anthing for me socially, but I like it." He does not collect comic books
or statuettes of any science-fiction or fantasy characters. "I'm not that bad," he claims.
 But is life all bad for Harold Upton Potter? He says he does enjoy some things in life, and unlike the character, his parents
are still living and very loving according to him. He also says he's relieved he doesn't have some kind of evil wizard monster
like Voldemort, or as he instructed us to call him "You-Know-Who", but feels like sometimes "'You-Know-Who'
can represent all the things that you're afraid of, and for me, it's pretty much everything. But I don't have a cool uncle
like Sirius Black who can help me avoid it."
~
Life for Harold goes on, but he admits he can't wait until the books are over and he turns twenty-one, when he believes
all of this will blow over. "Unless J.K. goes all George Lucas on us and goes back to write prequels about Harry's parents;
or, does a J.R.R. and write a book about the history of all those creatures a la 'The Silmalarian', I should be okay."
Until then, however, he must realize that although he shares the name of Harry Potter, he shares none of the glory, fame,
or the adventures of the character.
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Management Meeting Halted by "Lost" Discussion
TRENTON, NJ--During an extended operations management meeting at the AllComm Networks corporate office about the new spreadsheets
on implementation of innovative and inspirational ways of using Six Sigma, a manager named Ted Grieves used a metaphor for
expediting business technics by "pushing the button" and "entering the numbers" to get people motivated.
"Like in that show 'Lost'," he added, stopping the meeting suddenly. The moderator, Kelly Webster, lit up like a
Christmas tree. "Oh my God did you WATCH IT LAST WEEK? Could you believe what is going on over there? And what about
the fact that we still don't really know what's going on with Walt and The Others!" Instead of the meeting continuing,
manager Eddie Barnes erupted and animatedly described how cool it would be to have won the lottery with the numbers "4,
8, 15, 16, 23, 42". Fred Barker, another manager, chimed in as well, agreeing with Eddie but criticising the fact that
it seems like "it takes forever for a new show. Aren't they on re-runs again?" The other managers agreed, but focused
on the positives of the show. "It's still keeping my interest," said Kelly, "and I really can't wait to see
what happens between that new girl and Sawyer. I think he's so hot!" Eddie Barnes also admitted his crush on the character
Kate saying, "She is so hot, I would treat her better than Jack does."
After the coffee cakes arrived and a new batch of spreadsheets were distributed among the managers by the administrative
assistant, it seemed the meeting was going to return to normal and be about business. But as the administrative assistant
Maggie Dempkis was leaving, Eddie Blurted, "Doesn't she look just like Shannon?" Everyone agreed, munching on their
coffee cakes, and Maggie Dempkis turned around.
"Everyone says that! And I hate her on that show!" she exclaimed.
"You watch 'Lost' too?" said Fred Barker.
The conversation continued, and the spreadsheets were put down for at least another half an hour. More was discussed on
whether Sayid and Shannon would have more "alone" time, and if Charlie was going to propose to Claire and maybe
there'd be a wedding on the show; also, what about Jack and Kate? Would they finally consummate? Who were the real Others?
What if they didn't keep pushing that button? And when was a new episode going to be on? Finally, the conversation came to
an end, and the meeting finally adjurned two and a half hours after it had started.
"It was a necessary tangent," said Eddie Barnes after the meeting. "We still got things done. But we had
to talk about this. It was an important matter. I mean, who hasn't been tempted to use those numbers? And I'm still trying
to figure out what 16 means."
"We had enough synergy going throughout the meeting, we needed a break, and this was perfect," lamented Kelly
Webster, the moderator. "I just hope that next week the episodes start up again and we can continue discussing it. It
hasn't gotten in the way of our business."
"I just hope Jack stops being such a meanie," said the administrative assistant, Maggie Dempkis. "He really
is hot and seems cool, and I have such a crush on him--but he makes Sawyer look like a nice guy. Yeesh!"
VH1, Bravo, and E! Sign Hal Sparks To Appear In Next Ten "List" Shows
HOLLYWOOD, CA--Actor Hal Sparks, the attractive, hip and hilarious guest who frequents VH1's "List" shows such as
"I Love the 80's" has just signed a deal with VH1, Bravo, and E! Entertainment Networks for the next ten upcoming
"List" shows that each respective network will air. Sparks says the move is "smart, and practical" since
he has no other projects coming up.
For VH1, some of the "List" shows in which he'll be included are "I Love the 80's Newspapers", "I
Love the 80's Radio Broadcasts", "I Love the 90's Sports Announcers", "I Love the 80's Part Eight: Jason
Takes Manhattan", and "The Top 100 I Love The 80's Moments". He is also working on developing the "I Love
the 80's" Channel to come out in late December or early in 2006.
For Bravo, shows he'll be doing will include "The Top 50 Funniest Moments in 1980's History", "A&E Biography
of Max Headroom", and "The Top 100 Scariest Hairdos in 1986".
For E!, shows he'll be involved with will include "The Top 50 Comedian/Singer-songwriters", "The Top 100 Fashion
Mistakes of the 1990's", "The Top 50 Heterosexual Leading Men Who Portray Homosexuals", and "I Love 'I
Love the 80's'".
 Sparks is set to begin filming with these channels and has agreed to terms with all networks through different contracts,
under the agreement that the only type of show he is used for is a "List" show. According to Laura Dean, an attourney
speaking on behalf of the networks, "[Sparks] is not allowed to do anything unrelated to 'List' shows on these three
stations. No reality, no biography, and no songwriting. He is only on to do one thing: make people laugh while they watch
anything in the top 100 of something--and hope he's not really gay in real life."
Sparks wasn't available for comment, but approved the deals with thumbs-up and says he'll be ready when the projects start.
After all of this, his attourney Matt Silver hinted at a "Top 100 Hal Sparks Moments in Top 100 List Shows History"
special that may air on one of the three networks sometime in the near future.
Boyfriend Upset After Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him Through Text Message
MIDDLETOWN, OH--Jay Bartum, a seventeen year old teenager who goes to Greater Grace High School in Middletown, Ohio, was shocked
and dismayed to learn that his girlfriend, sixteen year old Marta Bilks, no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him.
He was more distraught, however, when he learned of this through his Blackberry(tm) text message device that broadcast the
text data at half-past eight o'clock on a Wednesday night, just after he had finished eating dinner with his family.
"I couldn't believe it," admitted Bartum, who attends three different classes with Marta Bilks, and lamented
that that was how they originally met. "Now things are sure going to be awkward."
At first, he thought it was a joke.
 "We were always saying stuff like that," he said tightly, choking up. "I didn't think it'd be serious this
time, especially since we always had fun with that idea." He settled down and continued. "But I just don't know
what the problem was. Things were going so well."
Marta and Jay had been going out for well over eight months, and according to Jay, had a "very meaningful" relationship.
"We talked a lot," he said, "and we cuddled a lot. I told her I love hugging. I even made a tee-shirt that
said so. I press tee-shirts a lot. She even said maybe someday...I could...make a living off of it." With that he broke
into tears.
 "All I've ever asked is for honesty. And commitment. And then after eating my mom's dinner I get this beep, you know?
And I look down, and there's this message from Marta. And I start reading and...and I just couldn't believe it!" he said
through tears.
To this day, Jay claims he still does not understand the reason for the break-up, but has said that it has been impossible
to reach Marta since the text message.
"She doesn't return any of my messages anymore. Or my phone calls. And I think she's already seeing someone."
The following is the message from Marta Bilks:
h3y J-sry 2 B like this bt i thnk maybe it's betr if we don't C each other N E more. i am rul sry it's not U, i thnk that
may B we R just betr off being FRNDS. :(
i no this is abrpt bt i have bin thnkng a lot about it lately. U need some time and space for UR t33 shirts and I need
some time and space 2 figure thngs out. i f33l r33l bad but I no U will understand. i hope we can still B friends bcuz i cnt
imagine life W/O U. U really R my best frnd but we just can't B 2g3th3r N E more. please understand. l8r.
@->->-- srrry...
Jay was also broken up about a matter even more serious than just going out with her. "I had bought an engagement ring,"
he said, blowing his nose. "Spent all my savings. It was a beautiful ring, too."
According to Jay, Marta does not know about the ring yet but he says he plans to show it to her by visiting her one night
when he knows her dad isn't around and try to convince her to come back to him.
"I hope it works," he said, "it does in the movies."
About the message, he says he has it saved and will use it against her when he confronts her again. "I just can't
believe she couldn't even just...pick up the phone and break up with me. It just seems so cheap and easy. It really sucks."
Jay plans to visit her next Friday, when he knows her parents will be away for the weekend. He says he is bringing a blanket
and pillow in case he has to stay out in his car all night waiting for her as well.
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